Signed, Epstein's Mother

"Hey, Mr. Kotter, I got a note!"  Juan Luis Pedro Philippo DeHuevos Epstein would say to his teacher in trying to explain his absence from class. While I don't have a note, I do have a reason as to why I did not attend any of the Orthodox Services this last weekend.


This weekend beginning Friday morning I left home to attend the annual Men's Retreat of the church that I am a member of, The Church of Grace and Peace (GAP) in  Toms River, N.J.. As is the custom for a bunch of the men who are " motorcycle enthusiasts" we hook up and head off to the  event on two wheelers. This year, as last year,  the Retreat was held at Eddy Farm in N.Y. State, which is located right on the Delaware River.  Eddy Farm is a Christian Retreat and Conference Center. 


Eddy Farm's history stretches back over 100 years to the boom days of the Delaware River. Through the 1800s, Eddy Farm was famous as an overnight stopping place for raftsmen traveling the Delaware to Philadelphia. The river's quiet eddy, known then as Patterson's Eddy, provided easy mooring for the large timber rafts. Soon after the Civil War, the Patterson family began to host summer boarders from New York City, and by the turn of the 20th century, Patterson's Farm had become famous as the Eddy Farm Hotel. Now Eddy Farm offers itself as a quiet retreat and a place to hold meetings and such for church groups and individuals as well.


I was interested to see what my thoughts, emotions and overall perspective would be at this retreat. Just a short while ago I was a member of the GAP Men's Ministry Team that had planned this event, but since then I had stepped down from the team, as I did also from all the ministry positions that I served in at GAP, when I felt the need to explore Orthodoxy. I could have stayed "on board" in these positions, while I was exploring, but I just don't do things this way. I feel that if I cannot serve with a heartfelt total commitment then I should do the right thing, as I see it and step aside. 


At the retreat I was approached by several of the guys who said that they heard I was leaving GAP, as I have made no secret of the fact that I was "looking into the Orthodox Church"  and that they were going to miss me. I would smile, and inform them that the "final decision" has not been made as of yet, and would not be until I had a chance to talk with Father Gary at the Orthodox Church. Just about every guy would ask me about the Orthodox Church as most of them had absolutely no idea of the Orthodox Church and wondered why I, someone who was involved in some high profile ministry at GAP, was doing such a thing. My answer was always given with this statement to the questioner first, " I can't give you a "sound bite" 2 minute answer to something that I have spent about the last 5 years seeking out." 


I had made a decision a month or so ago, that I was not going to debate Orthodoxy, or try to convince anyone about a right or wrong church, that would be counter-productive to all. I would just answer when asked, what ever question they posed to me with the best of my ability and with the up-most honesty. I would say after my "can't give you a sound bite answer" statement, that I was never "comfortable" in the "Charismatic Worship and Style" of GAP, and that I felt the need to look elsewhere.


Needless, perhaps, to say,  most of my answers were followed with looks skepticism on the faces of the questioners. After all for the most part, just about no one wants to hear anything "different" other than what they believe, and I have to say that many of the guys I talked to think that the things I said about the Orthodox Church and its history, liturgical worship, etc. didn't matter, and can't see why I am considering Orthodoxy. I do acknowledge that some of these guys are truly concerned for me, and don't want me to make a mistake, and for that I am grateful to each and everyone of them.


I am happy to say that their opinions about what I am doing did not matter at all to me, cold, as that may sound.


Most of the men, not all, but most, have very little insight or education in the history of the Christian Church, in fact some of them might believe that Saint Paul used and preached from the King James Bible!
After all, we are talking about die-hard believers in "sola scriptura" and they believe that the "church" has no role or authority, let alone that the canon came from the "church". But so be it, sad as it seems to me, I am not on a mission to convince anyone or start any sort of division. This is a journey that I am on and I am not trying to put God "in a box".


So, let me state what I experienced this weekend, spiritually.


Almost nothing from the Retreat Services.


I say, I got "almost nothing" from the Retreat Services, but, something might have creeped in, but it would be hard to say what, but something might have, I just don't feel or am I aware of anything at this moment.


However, I was able to spend quite a bit of time sitting alongside the Delaware River reading from the Orthodox Study Bible and also reading the Philokalia in my room, and was blessed in doing so. I also spent time in some wonderful one-on-one conversations with a couple of the guys about the world and things about us, this was a real joy.

Perhaps, the greatest thing that I can say I came away with from the events of this weekend, was "closure" from the Church of Grace and Peace, the charismatic style, the Protestant view of the Church, etc. I feel I did get "closure" from all of this, which is important.

Now, I need to continue to seek what God would have me do.


"Dear Mr. Kotter, 
Please excuse Juan (Jim) from the Church of  Grace and Peace.
He needs to have a  meeting with Father Gary. 


(signed) Epstein's Mother"